++.:.Sakura-hime's Memories v.1.0 .:.++

i think for the rest of 2008 im going to write in here on the first of the new month to comment about what happened the previous month.

january was a lot of ups and downs - i kicked off the first hour or two of the new year making out on my couch downstairs. that was fun beyond belief. but then it got a little sour when we all said the wrong things and talked when we werent supposed to so that lasted for a lot of january but it all mellowed out. im not going to talk about it because i dont feel that i was wrong, but sometimes you have to sacrifice a little to save a wonderful friendship. i always say when me and my mom are watching friends i always comment on how if ross really loved rachel he would swallow his feelings and admit to the whole "we were on a break now." i kind of sympathize with him because i now know how hard that really is but it is always worth it in the end. to lose my friends again, and especially at the same time of the month would have been devastating - again.

i got a lot closer to my mom.

im kind of bored with this so i will update more later.
<3 always, michaela

i dont know.

i just signed on AIM last night, and i wasnt really talking to anyone, so i re-added eva's SN just to see if she was on. miraculously she was. so after five minutes of hesitation, i clicked it and said hi. after about another five minutes i said, just wanted to see how your break was going.she responded, but only with "ok, look i g2g, i was just checking something with niz" i dont know why but that hurt.

and then just today, i signed on myspace, and saw a friends request from niz. i added her but not before seeing she was number 1 on evas. that made me think, what wouold i be if i was still friends with them? 5? i wonder how paige feels. she hates being upstaged by anyone. so i wonder how she's gonna feel.

and then i saw all these comments saying "we're gonna have fun on friday! parttyyy" i dont know why that hurt so much.

IM SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING OVER THESE FUCKING PEOPLE.

Let me start from the beginning.

I headed into Keith, scared and alone. I quickly hit it off with KT, Amena and Nuha, only because I knew them. But when KT and them started whispering in front of each other and never included me, I was scared and thought they were talking about me. I got out of that friendship as quickly as it started.

Then next came Krisha. I was elated, friends with the most popular girl in our class. But when she became too popular and b.f.f with nizreen, i was scared and left that too.

So by October, I was the loser 10 year old with no friends. Then I hit it off with Eva. We were bff for the longest time, we were so close Teresa got jealous. It was me, Teresa, Sarah and Eva for a really long time. Then it was me and eva. And then, by the end of the year, eva started getting closer with paige, krisha, niz and t. I was scared and followed her.

Then next year came, and it was me, eva and rachel. we were close for a while until Eva became getting better friends with them again. Scared of losing my only best friend, I followed them. We all got close, with me and eva still really close, until about January.

I came back to school after break and I had noticed something changed. No longer was I getting the warm acceptance and love that I had been getting. Then I was put down and accused of being a bitch. I pleaded for a second chance, and then when they gave in, I didn't get one. There were stil all the jokes, the put downs, and then they all laughed when I got upset. "Stop being a tight ass" that's always what it was. "You got a problem?" always.

Then Paige and I would IM each other, and I would come to school feeling a little bit better but just to have my confidence torn down again.

It was all fine for a week. Then it got bad because they accused me of being "materialistic". Only because i shop at HCO, AE, A&F now and I asked if anyone had seen my A&F jacket. I was looking for specifics. That's stupid right? So I pratically ignored them for a week strag

Then it was ok. We talked it out adn then things were ok. Then it all went down hill. They called me after school on Friday.

"What the hell is your problem? If your gonna be immmature about it, then dont bother. Krisha and I didn't know that Eva was having a party. And she was having T and Niz over because they have known D for their entire lives. So here's Eva"

"Look I'm not gonna give you 20 seconds, cuz your not even worth that. I've made it clear that I don't like you so don't go houding my friends about what I'm doing over the weekend."

And then they hung up on me. Throughout the whole conversation i heard them giggling and laughing in the background. I felt numb but strange in a new way. It was like... I was almost happy to leave. Granted, I'll never get over Eva and I fighting. But it was different.

These few weeks have been almost a blessing. Looking at them from the outside, you see how stupid and pointless it all is. All you have to do at Keith to get popular is back stab people and worry about how you look. I'd rather be out of the group and loving life then being in it and hating life.

People have treated me way differently since i stopped hanging out with them. It's nice, to know that people will still accept me, even though I was such a bitch.

I'm gonna miss them, cuz besides all the backstabbing and insulting jokes we all had a lot of fun together. And I'm never gonna get over Eva. She was the best friend I had ever had. And then for us to go to do this to each other? It's... heartbreaking. I'm sure she doesn't care. She's got good friends, she's popular and pretty - what more could or should she want? She wouldn't want the eleven year old nerd to be her friend. I don't blame her. I can forgive her. Cuz she never did anything directly to hurt me. Paige and Teresa did the most hurt.

So when someone gets kicked out of the group, their gonna come running back to their old friend. And if it's Paige or Teresa I'm gonna say fuck you because you didn't want me before, you sure in hell cant have me now.

But its not going to be Paiger or Teresa. Paige is too fucking ghetto to be kicked out of anything because she can bitch someone to tears. Teresa holds on too tight. so when it's finally down to two people, It's gonna be Paige and Teresa, Paige as the Queen Bee and Teresa as the loyal follower. Niz and Krisha always have the freshman, so nothing really could happen. But where could Eva go?

If she did get kicked out, would she accept me once more?

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

sometimes life isnt even worth livinggg anymore

i would give up everything i have if i had it back.

the only reasons im stil here is cuz im to chicken to even try

 

There comes a point in everyone's life when you ask yourself, "Who am I really?" "What is my purpose here?" There comes a time in everyone's life when people decide that they want to become someone they arent and end up hurting everyone who even cared about you in the first place.

Makeup and Clothes don't make you. You make yourself. As a wise old person said, "Life isn't about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself." Creating yourself can be hard, like drawing or painting something. First you pick the paints/markers, the things you want to build yourself with. It could be your brains, your personality, your clothes, your popularity - anything YOU want. You can't let someone else pick the crayons for you. Next, you pick the painting, what you want to become. It's your ideal image of what you want yourself to be. Along the way, the painting becomes different, there could be an extra color, a color taken away, an item put in an item taken out. Just like life, things change along the way. You can take something out of your life or add something into your life. When your painting is done, it's always a little different then you imagined it to be. But it's always basically the same. Like your life, you always start at a point, maybe swerve off a little along the way but you always get where you're going. But there are some instances where you are forced to change part of your painting. Sometimes you gotta fix something in your painting. Just like life. You can become something but then people either hate you for it or you just dont like it. It feels different then what you wanted.

Here's my story:

I came to KCD. I was a nobody, a nothing there. I met Krisha. We were friends for a little but she was too different from me. I didn't think we could be friends. Then there was KT amena and nuha, who pretended to like me. At least KT. Who always whispered in front of me with nuha. So I actually used to hate Nuha. But now we're tight. Then I met Eva. She changed me - a lot. Teresa was my close friend too but... she got jealous of me and Eva being so tight. Then there was Sarah and Ania who I grew apart from in the end of seventh grade. Eva+Teresa+Ania+Sarah+and I spent our lives obsessing about anime. People hated us for that. I don't even know why I did it. It's pointeless now to want to marry a character from a freaking t.v. show. And at the end of seventh grade, I knew then everything was screwed. Eva started getting closer to Niz, Paige, and Krisha, who in turn had accepted Teresa into their clique. Terrified of losing my only friend, I followed her and ended up having a good time.

Summer came and went and eighth grade followed. Eva was still hanging out with Paige, Krisha, Niz and Teresa and I of course followed along. Eva became close with Krisha and after an incident with Paige, Eva and I stopped hanging out with them as much. Then Eva and Niz got closer. Due to an incident in sixth grade they stopped being best friends, but now they were back and closer then ever. Sad and distraught, I turned to a few new friends (Paige+Krisha+T) for comfort. I ended up finding more then comfort - I found a new group of friends. For about three months I was livin the life. We were the most popular, prettiest, and most well-liked girls in our middle school. Then I lost control. I let the popularity get to my head a little bit and i became really bitchy to the point where no one liked me for about 2 weeks. I was even ostrazied from my own group of friensd. When Paige, Teresa, Eva brought it to my attention that I was even doing that, I was completely shocked. I didn't even know that I was being bitchy so for about a week now, I've been trying to change myself. And it's working. My friends are actually going back to talking to me now.

But.. Eva, I don't know. The popularity got to her head too a little bit. She's completely different from the Eva I knew at the beginning of the year. Granted I am too, but... I guess I shouldn't be so judgemental. But I have a feeling Eva won't forgive me for a while. It took Eva over a year and a half to forgive Niz for what she did to her.

Well. That's my little life+proverb.

Life is like a painting. Make it along the way

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

Ehmagod the mall was ahmazzzzing! My mom met up with an old friend and she left us to go by ourselves which was ahmazing. But lol we went into stir crazy and we had this waiter, and we were all trying to guess his name, so one of my friends calls him over and she's like, "Yeah, my friend michaela wants your name and number,' and i was like "oh shit paige..." it was really funny... and afterwards a few of the girls decided to go to macys and try on a few dresses and paige was like, come on you guys, majority rules and it ruled over rainforest (cuz we were orignally gonna go there) but there was some pretty good eye candy.... haha and i spent like 200 dollars at abercrombie and i bought a mini skirt there too, and we were all figuring out how to hide if from my mom so paige was like "okay give me the skirt and ill bring it to school when you want to wear it and you can just change at school" it was hilarious

and i bought like... two polos, a sweater, a pair of jeans, the infamous mini, and some sephora lip gloss... its pretty ahmazing

and a frappuchino... damn it i love those things.....

School starts monday!

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

Wellp, mis amigos, I'm not getting a puppy.. It's kind of depressing.... The one I wanted was sold...And my mom was looking, but she decided that with her taking her finals and me going off to camp (next summer), there will be no one to look after the dog.. so she said we would wait till august....

this is a pic of the puppy that i wanted that was sold... [IMG]http://i10.tinypic.com/2j31itg.jpg[/IMG]

oh well, i hope i get my digital camera...

we went to target today, and i ran into like, five people i knew! two classmates a friend of mine in fifth grade and two teachers... it was weird.. i was hopin i was gonna see mindy, but she wasnt there... hope she comes back soon! i miss her

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

O.My.God. I think Im gonna puke. Maybe it's the fact that I had a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin Donuts, a bowl of Ramen and two chocolate bars in less then six hours. I think y'alls have heard of Greenday. There song. Wake Me Up When September Ends. Is on the radio. Right now.

Yes, Its a depressing song, just for what their talking about. But let me explain something to you

The first time I had ever heard it, was at my ex-friend's house, Casie. She played it for us, and that was the last night we were all together before moving on into our new schools. That was at the beginning of last year, when I still believed there was hope for us. And even if I hadn't left them, there would still be no hope. Damn new schools. Also, it was the night we made an oath to always remain together. In the rain. The seven of us.

I think I'm gonna puke

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

I had the weirdest dream last night - I was with my mom, Eva, and Erica (Eva's mom) in a drug store, and then we drove across the street to another store, but then we heard a loud scream and there were all these wolves there... so, my mom, eva and erica got into the car, but i got into my moms car, cause i thought we were going into that one, and all of a sudden, the car started to move on its own, and one of the wolves started to chase it, and the car bashed into another one, and then all of a sudden, i was in a sanrio™ store, going psycho with all the stuffed animalls. Weird, huh?

Ick, it's a freaking sunday morning, which means I have to go to school tomorrow. my lips are chapped and i look like hell come a live. we better get the christmas decorations up today

Much love

♥ Sakura ♥

No boarding school por mi! Mom needed to get it out of her system, that's fo sho. The partay of the year was yesterday, and I couldn't go! Neither could Eva, so that makes me feel a little better that both of us couldn't go and now I don't have to face Paige, T, Krisha and Niz talking about how great her party was. I hate having to listen to that!

Well, I guess my week was okay. We got second place for the Certamin meet and I got Most Improved Player for volleyball. I guess I'll talk later. Piano concert in an hour

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

That sounds particularly weird cuz I was just complaining about how crap my life was just a week ago... But it soo goood right now! JP and I are doing great, not to mention my ex is an emo child... And also, with that whole thing, I'm officially free! They don't talk to me anymore! I know I shouldn't be so excited about it, but i kinda am... lol... My friends are great and I saw Mindy two days in a row! And one of them was a weekend! Early Friday morning, I had this weird feeling like I was gonna see her, and then a half an hour later she was there! And then on Saturday, I felt like I was gonna see her but that would be weird cuz we weren't in school, but sure enough at the checkout line at a store with my grandma, aunt and cousin, I see her. And I about died. Mindy's a senior at our school,and she is most definetely one of the sweetest, kindest people I've ever met. I was soo happY!!!!!

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

Out of a ten, i think my day was about a one. The only good thing that happened is that I'm averaging an A+ in math and I got a 97% test.

So lets see... My day started off completely normal. Going up to homeroom and greeting my two friends. I realized I had left something downstairs so I went back down to get it. On the way, a friend (ex) stopped me and she asked me if I was going to Molly's party, I replied no that I didn't feel like going and I had too much homework and left. About five minutes later, she comes into my homeroom and pulls me out to talk. I won't repeat what she said, it was basically "what's wrong with you?" and crap like that. So by the end of our discussion, I was close to tears.

Now earlier, my friend had told me she needed to cancel our plans on Thursday because she was going with another friend that she hadn't seen in a really long time, and I was like that's cool, maybe on Saturday or something, you can find something to do and we'll be even.

So, I had walked back into homeroom and turned to Eva. Now, she's the type of person who doesn't give hugs a lot. So I asked her for a hug, and there we go, I started to burst into tears on her shoulder. I stayed like that for a while and then refused to say anything. So that was my sad tale of a half a hour.

Now in gym, we have been playing soccer for a while, so we were playing in gym today. I'm very competitve, so when anyone has the ball, I always rush after them, which results in an asthma attack for me, fun, huh? Now, I was rushing after the most sporty girl in our class, and she raised her foot to kick, she kicked the ball and guess where it landed. Right in my face. Now, it seems very uncommon to get smacked in the face in a small minituare game of soccer with fourteen girls, but I always end up getting hit the face which is usually no big, and I just get a red mark on my face. I think it was because of what happened earlier that I got so upset. I basically fell over and managed to control myself for a few minutes but then I began to bawl again. I ended up gettting a red mark on my face and an ice pack. Fun, huh? Eva stayed with me for the remainder of the hour and it was really sweet of her to do that, when I know she loves to play soccer too. I really do think she is my guardian angel.

Poor her, she thought it was her fault that I got kicked in the face, because first she broke her bad news, and then Sarah yelled at me. She looked at me and direct quote. "I hate how I'm so selfish" which I utterly gaped at. She is the most unselfish person I've ever met. I swear, she always puts other people's feelings before her own, which I told her
So I've lost six friend and gained five new ones... I've lost much confidence in myself now. Well I sure know the six of them truly utterly hate me now.

Wow my life sucks. Have you ever had six people mad at you in the course of seven days..

Everything's so weird between them now.. I just don't feel like a part of it anymore. They just seem so distant to me.. I am going to cry T_T.

Hey, it's hard not seeing them all the time. Sarah and Paul are in different grades and the rest are in different schools. Not. My. Fault.

Here's the scoop. I was invited to a Halloween Party on the 27th, but it was the same night my mom had a dinner (Which BTW, she didnt get home till 11 and the party ended at 9). so i couldn't go. They all got mad at me and started telling me off. I had a fight with my ex and a fight with my friend of four years. Sucks, huh? Thank god Eva let me pour out everything to her.

I've got a Halloween Party on Halloween, but I really don't feel like going. It's hosted by one of them, and the bad part is that she lives across the street. So... either I don't go, or I go and stay for like an hour and a half and use homework to get me out...

Does anyone have any advice? My hearthrob is so bad it actually hurts painfully and mentally..

The good news of this week is that I was hanging with Eva, J.P and J.P turns to the two of us and he was like, are you two best friends or somethng and eva was like "Yeah, we are". Which gives me a sense of pleasure. And we talked for about two hours one the phone. Pretty cool



Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

Nothing really interesting happened today. I told my mom about J.P and she's cool with it.. She's still thinking about it.. I really want to go out with him though T_T

Much love

♥ Sakura ♥

Today was really uneventful. Except for drama, when Paige got pulled out and she was in the principals office for a HOUR AND A HALF. Supposedly, as Eva tells me, Jon and Mad went to our principal and told her all the mean things Paige has ever done and so Mrs. G called her in. Too bad Paige hadn't gone to the rec night, That would have been fun.

I guess I should tell you the boy trouble now.

i've had this guy I've liked ever since I was in fourth grade, and we've had a really big crush on each other. We used to date, but tonight I had to break up with him, because we don't go to the same school (we had a dance and one of our mutual friends brought him) and I don't like him half as much as I used to. So, I've heard all these rumors from like six different people saying this one seventh grader has a crush on me (and, he's like a year older) and while we were dancing, he asked me if I was still dating Matt, and I said no, and he was like, so do you want to go out? and i was like, lemme think. Theo nly problem is, my mom is going to go psycho, she didn't even know matt and I were dating in the first place and the seventh grader (Juan Pablo) is really nice and I really really like him, but I don't know what to say to my mom. So, I sat down and started crying because everything got so confusing so fast, and a friend of mine, Niz, found me and I explained everything to her.

There was one other unsaid reason I broke up with Matt. Remember how I said, everything was really akward around all of us (KC, Paul, etc)? There's been a turning point inside of me, that I don't want anything to do with my old school anymore. Well, I do, I want the memories of the game that we used to play (it was an imaginary thing, it's really hard to explain, sometime later) but I don't want anything to do with the school anymore. My new life is at my current school, and it's where I belong. The unsaid reason was because that was the last tie with my old school. Now I'm kind of free in a way.

The only good thing that happened, was I got a lot of hugs from Eva.. and she's not a very huggy person like I am ^^

Much love

♥ Sakura ♥

Great... I end up posting for the day before but I don't post for the actual day. I am such a retard.

Nothing really eventful happened yesterday.

Nothing worth posting.

Much love

♥ Sakura ♥

Oop, I forgot to post yesterday... It was a hassling day that's for sure.

My school runs by rotation, and we have six days a rotation, so it's like Day A, Day B, Day C, Day D, and Day E, and then we start all over again with F...

So a month could be

A B C D E
F A B C D
E F A B C
D E F A B

Get it?

Yesterday was a C day and it was my worst letter day, since I have all my academic classes: Geometry, American History, English, Science, Latin and Spanish. Ick.

We had a volleyball game too, against another immanuel school. I swear, the city that I live in is a haven for christian/catholic schools. I still don't get it, because our team won the tournament and we lost horribly badly to this team 25:15, and 25:17... It was perhaps our most embarrasing loss...

It doesn't sound too hassling, but just the weight of it all was horrible.

More to come today for today's actual entry.

Much Love,

♥ Sakura ♥

Too bad it's not the year 2010.. Then tomorrow it would be 10/10/10... Those days are supposed to be lucky!

Today was amazingly cool! I woke up this morning at seven and layed there until 8:45 when Mom began to complain about the internet connection.. Well I guess you could say the first part of my day was kind of crappy... I was working on that for about two hours.. My best friend came over at around 12 and we looked through all of my old Spanish books.. (She's Hispanic, FYI) and she was laughing hysterically at the stuff I did... Gimme a break,I was in second grade, lol... Then my math tutor came.... It sounds weird, but no one in my family is very math oriented, except my dad... But I don't think I can get homework help over the phone. We usually always go ahead a lesson or two so I can sleep in class.. Noo that's not the reason but I still do it anyawy...That was done at around 2 and Eva and I went SHOPPING!!! Yay!!! When we were at someplace, I can't remember which store it was, I saw an old friend of mine from my old school. Yeah, sure, we are still friends but things are really akward between us. Like, We hugged said Hi but that was it.... It was kind of sad, if I'm telling the truth. It used to be the seven of us always together, Matt, Paul, KC, Jade, Molly, Sarah, and I. Now.. it's like none of us talk anymore.... It just shows the horriyfying truth of middle school. Like, when we were together, we could barely go a weekend without seeing each other.. Now it's just akward when we're all together. We used to play this game all the time, imaginary stuff, it would take eons to explain everything, but when we tried to do it again... it was just... uncomfortable. But when I'm with my new friends from the school i'm at now, and we're giggling or talking about the latest drama in class or talking about which teachers we dislike, I feel completely in place...

On a happier note, Eva came to my house afterwards and she stayed until like.. eight... I almost got smuggled out of the house, but it didn't work.. T_T

All in all, today was good.... I've just gotten struck with the horrifying truth of it all.....

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

Well I ended up finishing that hellish essay.. Not really, but it's half done. I've still got my damn geometry homework... Seriously, isn't it against the law for an 11 year old in Accelerated Geometry, which finsihes the entire book (16 or so chapters) in a term???

Yesterday we had a VB (volleyball) tournament. It was soooo much fun :D. I was sitting in the stand with a few of my teammates and I look over, and I see one of my best friends who I hadn't seen in like, two weeks (she lives about an hour away now *tear*). I shout her name, and she was like "OMG I didn't know you were going to be here!" The school that the tournament was at was her old school and a few of her friends were on the team so she came to see them.. It was awesome, and I made a lot of new friends. We ended up winning first place in the tournament.... Which was suprising cause our team sucks....

My Colombus Day weekened was very eventful, let's just put it that way....

Also, I saw a freshman who used to go to my school, I was like "OMG Alli!" and she was like "Hey Mickey!"

It was very cool.

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥

Yay!! This is my first entry here at LJ... My journal is going to be a daily journal thing... I'll try updating as much as possible, but that's really going to be hard, seeing as school is swamping. If anyone doesn't know what TRC is, please tell me, cause then I can explain to you the title of my journal.

Right now, I'm trying to LJ and write an English essay on the Klondike Gold Rush.. Seriously, Mrs. W is insane.....

Much Love

♥ Sakura ♥